Collaborative vs. Manipulative Behaviors
ByCoaching Question: What is the distinction between being “collaborative” and “manipulative”?
We define collaboration as “the mutual engagement of participants in a coordinated effort to achieve a common end goal.” When building and nurturing relationships, we look for the following integrity-driven behaviors:
- Honorable and genuine intentions
- Collaborative spirit
- Company agenda advancement
- Add value and give first
- Transparency
- Long term, mutually beneficial
The definition of manipulation is “to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one’s purpose.” (Merriam-Webster) The clues that we look for that point to less than integrity-driven behaviors would be:
- Dishonorable and disingenuous intentions
- Exploitative bent
- Personal/hidden agenda advancement
- Take first
- Opacity/opaqueness
- Short term, personally beneficial
One of the best ways to determine if a person is characteristically collaborative or manipulative is to objectively observe his/her behavior during some type of conflict. Among other behaviors, a collaborative person will listen intently to the other party, seek to understand the other person’s point of view and invite feedback when advocating a point. Under no circumstances will an authentic collaborator initiate or engage in behavior that causes harm to the other party.
A manipulative person may initially appear to be genuinely interested in the other person’s point of view, but before too long, the manipulator applies one or more of the following tactics1:
| TACTIC | MANIPULATOR BEHAVIOR |
| Denial | Refuses to admit that they’ve done something harmful or hurtful when they clearly have |
| Selective Inattention | “Plays dumb” or acts oblivious |
| Rationalization | Offers an excuse for engaging in inappropriate or harmful behaviors |
| Diversion | Changes the subject |
| Misrepresenting the Truth | Presents deception as truth |
| Intimidation | Creates self-doubt, anxiousness and submission through guilt tripping and shaming |
| Playing the Victim | Portrays self as innocent to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and get what they want |
| Vilifying the Victim | Tries to make the other person feel like “the bad guy” |
| Playing the Servant Role | Cloaks self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble cause |
| Seduction | Charms, praises, flatters or overtly supports others to get them to loosen their defenses |
| Projecting Blame | Shifts blame for aggressive behavior |
| Minimization | Denies and rationalizes their behavior |
1In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, George K. Simon, PhD.
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