Coaching Question: What is the distinction between being “collaborative” and “manipulative”? 

We define collaboration as “the mutual engagement of participants in a coordinated effort to achieve a common end goal.” When building and nurturing relationships, we look for the following integrity-driven behaviors: 

• Honorable and genuine intentions
• Collaborative spirit
• Company agenda advancement
• Add value and give first
• Transparency
• Long term, mutually beneficial

The definition of manipulation is “to change by artful or unfair means so as to serve one’s purpose.” (Merriam-Webster) The clues that we look for that point to less than integrity-driven behaviors would be:

• Dishonorable and disingenuous intentions
• Exploitative bent
• Personal/hidden agenda advancement
• Take first
• Opacity/opaqueness
• Short term, personally beneficial

One of the best ways to determine if a person is characteristically collaborative or manipulative is to objectively observe his/her behavior during some type of conflict. Among other behaviors, a collaborative person will listen intently to the other party, seek to understand the other person’s point of view and invite feedback when advocating a point. Under no circumstances will an authentic collaborator initiate or engage in behavior that causes harm to the other party.

A manipulative person may initially appear to be genuinely interested in the other person’s point of view, but before too long, the manipulator applies one or more of the following tactics¹: 

¹In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, George K. Simon, PhD.  

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